The Checklist...

Take a leaf out of Santa's playbook and check this list, and then check it twice. Try to work out what's crap and what's good advice.

Just like Santa's list, this one is in alphabetical order as well, no extra charge for that either...

Babysitter - so you don't wake up in the middle of the night wondering where Dela is

  

Cash - just some walking around money

Characters - just a quick reminder of who is whom, there might be a test during the week;

Dave = Woody

Mossy = Jessie

Allah = Big Al (aka Chicken Man)

Amos = Mrs Potato Head

Bav = Ham

Bear = Lotso Huggin' Bear

Copah = Big Baby

KT = Buzz Lightyear

Kylie = Bo Peep

Loz = Trizie

Ryzah = Rex

Tonah = Stinky Pete

Es = Sarge

Leesy = Wheezy

Dela = Pizza Planet Alien

Ben = Ken Doll

Courtney Copah = Etch-A-Sketch

Simon = Cymbal Banging Monkey

The Sherwinator = Rocky Gibraltar

Cramp Reduction Kit - magnesium tablets, tonic water, regular water

Day to day clothes -

• jeans
• tracksuits
• tops
• t-shirts
• sunglasses
• smoking jacket
• bubble pipe
• pyjamas
• definitely remember pyjamas

Extra-Special New Singlet - the one that most of us got at Shagy's on Wednesday


Game-related injury prevention devices - braces, tape, blister pads, etcetera...


Game-related stink prevention equipment - deodorant


General Hygiene (this is an important one) - 

•  toothpaste and toothbrush
• shampoo and conditioner (not for the baldies)
• head razor (for baldies who are faking it)
• normal razor
• make-up
• deodorant
• perfume
• man perfume
• moisturiser
• hairspray/fudge/gel - whatever you prefer
• hair straightener
• bobby pins
• hair elastics
• scrunchies (are they a thing anymore?)

Important non Big-V playing gear - 

• netball shoes
• one plethora of socks
• lucky underwear
• regular underwear
• skins
• sports bras
• crop tops
• hair ribbons for special occasion games
• thongs for in between games

Mobile Phone - Leesy tells me good things about her Nokia, but probably no need to buy a new phone just for this.


Phone Charger - I saw Allah fix one last year using only a fork, it was super impressive

Presentation Night Glamour - for those not shopping until dropping on the rest day you should remember;

• suits
• shirts
• ties
• dresses
• shoes
• spanx
• belts
• cuff links
• black socks
• cummerbund
• etcetera 

Recovery Session Gear; bathers and a towel

Roomies - most of us will have a roomie, here we see a picture of CVD and KT celebrating when they found out that they wouldn't be sharing with Copah...

Bearzy pushes all KT's buttons...

Theme, The - It's Toy Story people, get with the program...

You're living in the past!

Uniform - all that lovely Big-V branded gear;

• playing shirts
• shorts
• dresses
• walk-out top
• warm-up top
• hoodies
• jackets
• towel
• trackie-dacks
• bag to keep it all in

VPL - this now stands for Very Provocative Lingerie and will be mandatory for entrance to the Presentation Night limo

The Phillip Island Recap...

Phillip Island was originally named after its discoverer, Phyllis Ipland, but that was just too confusing, so they renamed it Phillip Island a few years ago. It is also where Mother Moss has her holiday house and very conveniently was the location for our team-bonding singalong and fitness session.

Most of the team got down to the island on the Friday night and had a very relaxing evening. Mossy practiced her Tai Chi while attempting to get a phone signal in her lounge room. Copah decided to give up beer and spent the evening having a sauna. Alla was robbed in his footy best and fairest count and Dave got in at some ungodly hour. Claire was completely flummoxed by the concept of a handbrake that you work with your foot in Bav's car (yes technically it's Leesy's car) while KT and Ben spent the evening prowling rental websites. Meanwhile Kyzah, Ryzah and Esther were enjoying some wedding hospitality about 3 and a half hours away.

However the person who made the biggest sacrifice to be there was Aims who had to tell her boyfriend that she couldn't make it to his Grand Final. Of course she did tell him while taking her top off, so he just smiled and nodded and was probably completely surprised when she wasn't there.

Right, stop thinking about that, back to the story. We all got the the bottom of Cape Woolamai by 7.59am, and took a walk down to the beach. After stepping across a line in the sand that was both literal and metaphorical, the day was underway.

Activity 1 was a timed run over an alleged 5 kilometre course. Allah started the event at the prohibitive Black Caviar like odds of a $1.01 for the win, and won it like an odds-on favourite should.

Phillip Island - Race 1 Results

Track Good - Weather Fine

1. (5) Allah Mac W: $1.01 P: $1.00

2. (4) Ryzoplasty P: $1.20

3. (3) Bav In Black P: $6.50

4. (7) Aim Of The Game NTD

Quinella: (4,5): $1.22 Exacta: 5-4: $1.25

Trifecta: 5-4-3: $54.50

First 4: 5-4-3-7: $211.70

Stewards Report: Copahcabana threw two shoes entering the final straight. Jockey on Lotz And Loz found to be way overweight, horse to be spelled immediately.

Following a brief recovery session and a very fruitful team chat, it was back down to the beach for Activity 2, the beach session. We were split into groups of 2, there was Team Hat made up of Allah and Bav, and a whole bunch of other groups who were presumably all called Team No Hat.

I'm a bit hazy on most of the details, but there were hill sprints, push-ups, box jumps, planks, sit-ups, burpees, mountain-climbers and possibly one other, which might just have been more hill sprints. And there were three circuits with 45 seconds on and then 45 seconds off.

From what I am told, most people did really well, however I have checked my phone and I've received a couple of texts which are quite enlightening;

Q. What's Bav's favourite band?

A. Regurgitator

Just looked up "cramp" in the dictionary, look at what I found...

At the end of the second activity Tonah, Copah and Bav's stomach lining were all scratched from the final event, The Amazing Race.

After finishing the word jumble and decoding the hidden message, Team Ginger Ninja plus Kylie were off and running/walking down the beach. Right behind them were Team Melanin.

Team Ginger were the first to reach Esther on the beach and had to build a sand castle with walls up to the logo on her pants. Unfortunately, Esther isn't cool enough to wear her pants slung down low, but fortunately she isn't so old that she wears them up to her armpits, but either way it was a tough build. Ginger Ninja Ryan used his landscape building knowledge to spearhead the effort, and the Gingas retained their lead.

Esther revealed the next challenge, counting the number of squares in a 10 x 10 chess board type thingy. The GMNT (Ginger Mutant Ninja Turtles) quickly came up with the answer of 385, leaving the cast of Jersey Short trailing in their wake.

Some more stuff happened, Alla and Aims went for another run to count stairs and it turned out that it was a draw in the end.

Then came everyones favorite part of the day, eating pies and then driving home.

What a great weekend.

It's All Hennifa Yopez's Fault

So it was only a few years ago that everyone figured out how to come up with your own porn-star name, First Pet and First Street was the formula for that one. My porn-star name is Rex Neal, and I think with more chest hair and a few gold necklaces I could definitely pass as a Rex Neal

But then along came Jennifer Lopez and her ubiquitous J-Lo nickname, but because it was ridiculously easy to figure out your own nickname, and also because no-one really likes Jennifer Lopez, the trend died out very quickly. However, thanks to my new book, Unlocking The Secret Meaning Of Your J-Lo Nickname, I'm bringing it back, and you guys get a free preview...

Dave Smith - D-Sm; this is what we in the nickname industry call a Wheel Of Fortune name, buy a freaking vowel! If however Dave married ex Charles In Charge actress Nicole Eggert, he would be D-SmEg, so he's got that going for him.

Tony Collinder - T-Co; this is what hip grandma's call the piece of crochet they use to keep their tea pot warm. Example, "Hey G-son, it is fo shiz cold up in this hizzy, go get G-Ma her T-Co"

Karen Moss - K-Mo; when a redhead wears a hat to disguise their disability this is called K-Moflage.

Alex McPhie - A-Mc; the thing you tie between two trees and take a nap in, definitely bring one to Phillip Island...


Amy Wirth - A-Wi; when she was single, Aims was looking for a man with a small bladder because she needed someone who had to get up and take A-Wi three or four times every night.

Bav Bavaro - B-Ba; Is what sheep that stutter say.

Claire van Dreumel - C-VaDr; after Luke Skywalker left Dagobah (note: Dagobah is what my racist Grandma calls all pubs in Carlton) and flew to Cloud City to rescue Han, Leia and Chewie, he got a text message from Yoda that said, "If U C-VaDr, RUN!"

Esther Coppin - E-Co; Geoffa is also known as Toyota Prius because he is E-Co friendly.

Katie Fleisner - K-Fl; When you are at Phillip Island there might be Poison Ivy so please be K-Fl

Kylie Malone - K-Ma; What you finally say when your Mum has been nagging you to do something for a really long time.

Lauren Atkin - L-At; T-Co's hip-hop G-Ma came up with this one. "You down with LAT. Yeah you know me. Who's down with LAT. Every last homie." And for anyone who watches Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock, I have to say, this Honky Grandma Be Trippin'

Leesy Caldwell - L-Ca; Without Leesy, Copah would just be a Holic...think about it...

Mark Copley - M-Co; Brother of T-Co, also the subject of many of Mr Garrision's lectures, "Drugs are bad M-Co"

Ryan Miller - R-Mi; If they had meet Ryzah, the Village People would have sung Join The R-Mi, and Ryzah would be even more of a gay icon if that were even possible.

The Correspondence Edition

Hello Sports Fans, and welcome to the first blog entry in two years that I'm not writing while getting paid to do another job.

After having a good lie-in, I've just finished watching the movie Up (from the makers of Toy Story FYI), it is the story of an old man that uses helium balloons to make his house fly. Coincidentally, that is a tactic that Dave is looking to incorporate during his comeback from ankle surgery, here's a pic that my spy in Queensland took during one of his recent recovery sessions

Whhheeeeeeeee!

Now with that out of the way, let's go to the mailbag...

Kate from Queensland writes:

Hi Blogger Bav, long-time reader, first-time contributor. Did you know that in Toy Story, the toolbox used to trap Woody in Sid’s room bears the name “Binford Tools”.
Binford Tools is the fictional hardware company which sponsored “Tool Time”, the handyman show-within-a-show from the series Home Improvement. Another Disney production, Home Improvement also starred Tim Allen, who provided the voice of Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story! 

Must dash, Dave needs another sponge-bath.

Thanks Kate, while you are slipping into your nurses uniform, let's go to the internet to see whether you are a no good filthy liar.

Kate Sherwin - not a no good filthy liar.

KT from Wifetown writes:

Hi Anonymous Blog Person, as you probably know when I recently got married, the only thing on our gift registry was Lego, and as a result we got lots and lots of Lego. Look what I knocked up last weekend.

Nice work on the chin dimple KT, the one on Buzz looks good too

 Keep those letters coming through, and I'll try and respond to them all, because I'm Dear Danni and I'm here to help. Bye.

That's a Simon Townsend's Wonder World reference, for those of you too young to remember it, it was the birthplace of Catriona Rowntree!

The Nineteenth Character...

She doesn't have junk in her trunk, but she does store some important things back there. She's one of the world's leading sources of vodka, and like a lot of carbohydrates she is very complex.

Aims is...

That horrible moment when you realise you are wearing your killer red heels, your hat and nothing else. Also you only have one ear for some reason.

Mrs Potato Head is sweet and patient, and she sounds just like George Costanza's mum. Anyone who has seen Amy sneak out of training to babysit Dela will not be surprised to discover that she loves the Pizza Planet Aliens.

Amy does not take it as a compliment to her abilities when you call her Mrs Head, so use her full name or else you will get seriously hurt. Yes, even though she has a very placid demeanour, if you get her angry then you will know about it.

So she was lying on the ground, and I whacked on my angry eyes, and kicked her while she was down there.

Things the internet has taught us:
The potato was the first vegetable to be grown in outer space.
The average American eats 64 kilos of potato every year.
The world's largest potato chip was made in 1990 and was 2 foot wide.

In Opposite-World, Amy's butt stares at you!

The Eighteenth Character...

She always been a friend to New Zealanders, and I've never seen her with any sheep, so she has definitely lost them and can't tell where to find them.

Kylie is...

Damn! Bo Peep got back.

Bo Peep (better known as Ho Peep) is a porcelain shepherdess figurine. Bo and her sheep often play the role of damsel in distress in Andy's plays. It has only recently been discovered that Kylie narrowly avoided being known as Mrs Hotato Head, which 82 out of 100 people surveyed put as their top answer. But luckily this blog does not follow Family Feud rules.

And if you tell me to be patient one more time, I will insert this crook somewhere very unpleasant.

Hey, what did Kylie's seven very short work mates say to her when they caught the same train as her one Monday morning? Hi Ho. It's off to work we go!

Things the internet has taught us: Everyone loves Spam, whether it be a Spam and cheese croissant for breakfast, a hot Spam sandwich for lunch or the always popular Spamghetti Bolognaise for dinner (why not all three!). However it is very sad to hear that some cultures do not allow people do eat pork products, even when mixed with spices and canned for delicious eternity.
However things are now looking up with the introduction of Splamb!

I'm going to tell people I lost you, while I enjoy a Splamb souvlaki with garlic sauce.

The Seventeenth Character...

She's a cyborg sent back from the future to kill Sarah Connor. She can't be bargained with! She can't be reasoned with! She doesn't feel pity, or remorse or fear. And she will not stop, ever!

Kate Sherwin is The Sherwinator, and also because there is only one Terminator looking dude in all the Toy Story movies she is also...

His name is Rocky Gibraltar, but that's not important right now.

Things we've learned from the internet: In 1991 a band called Arnee and the Terminators released the classic I'll Be Back, read these lyrics in your best Ahhnuld accent...

It's not that I'm ill-mannered or a psychopathic hater,
I just like to be treated right like any Terminator.
If I though I'd get results then I'd act a whole lot sweeter
But people always respect an Uzi Nine-Millimeter.

I've never had a problem
In getting what I lack
You don't need please or thank you
You just need! I'll be back.




The Sixteenth Character...

He's a very scary unit, rarely seen without a drink in his hand, and he always likes to keep his shoes on to hide the purple polish on his toe nails.

Copah is...

Copah always preferred onesie pyjamas.

Big Baby is a Bitty Baby doll with a lazy eye and a series of terrifying tattoos. When he drinks too much from the bottle that is apparently permanently attached to his hand, he gets mad at Lotso and likes to chuck her into dumpsters, so watch out for that CVD.

It has recently been discovered that Big Baby's full name is actually Big Prom Night Dumpster Baby, and although the identity of his father remains unknown, use of DNA matching and the LazyEye.com website has uncovered his mother...

Haha, your Mum is Paris Hilton...

Things the internet has taught us: The One Night In Paris video has been watched approximately 34,871,596 times, and according to his internet service provider, views 11,413,251 16,972,397 and 23,051,004 were all Copah, which is now super awkward now that she is his Mum.

The Fifteenth Character...

She likes to hug, she smells like strawberries and she can reset any man to demo mode with a flick of a switch.

CVD is...

You never stop mid Hokey-Pokey...

Lotso, or Bear as she is more commonly known is a plush pink teddy bear with a big plum coloured nose which she says isn't a result of lotso drinking, but we know better. She has a sweet strawberry scent and speaks with a Southern accent. She used to use a wooden toy mallet as a cane, but she only did that to annoy Dave about his ankle surgery.

CVD explains to KT how to defend a centre pass, Dave seems sceptical.

Here's an interesting fact, did you know that the van Dreumel surname is Dutch in origin, and that the Dutch people generally have very long and complicated names and, just like CVD, they are commonly known only by their initials. Lets see if you can recognise some famous Dutch people;

PVDH -  a swimmer and one for the ladies.

DK - a Victoria's Secret model in her swimmers.

GM - shmoke und a pancake? Shigar und a waffle?

Things the internet has taught us: "There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch." - This Guy

Batman's butler in happier times.

The Fourteenth Character...

He recently married his dream girl at their dream wedding. She drives her dream car and lives in her dream house.

Ben is...

Oh, Hi there ladies, I didn't hear you come in.

Ken is a smooth talking doll whose love of fashion and obsession with body sculpting do not even come close to making him feel better about not being anatomically correct. Now let's journey through Ben and KT's relationship as seen by Ben's ever-changing hair and outfits.

1. Ben and KT meet at a disco

2. Realising that his disco outfit was super-gay, Ben buys a Harley and draws on a tattoo for their next date.

3. Ben helps KT choose a car.

4. Ben proposes on a tropical island, it is surprising he could hide an engagement ring in those super small shorts.

5. Looking very sharp at the wedding.

6. Being sun-smart on the honeymoon (photo cropped to make you think he might be wearing pants)

7. Ben buys tiny dog and begins life as a Sugar Daddy.

Things the internet has taught us: Every second two Barbie's are sold in the world. There are approximately 27 Barbie's to every Ken which explains why Ken is so happy, and also explains where his kenis went, it fell off due to overuse.

The Thirteenth Character...

She is not a herbivore, but she is definitely a whiz on the computer and hornier than a goat.

Loz is...

Because goats only have two horns you see...

Trixie the Triceratops is one of Bonnie's toys from the third Toy Story. During one of the improv sessions, she mentions coming home from the doctor with "life-changing news". So we can safely assume that Toy Story 3 was made about 8 months before Dela was born. Trixie also chats online to a dinosaur toy down the street called Velocistar237, which almost certainly is Ryzah's secret Facebook name...

Loz tries to delete her internet search history, but it's too late...

Things the internet has taught us: Loz's last seven Google searches;

1. fish with big lips
2. submarine for hire
3. purple kettle
4. crocodile scars
5. tired after eating KFC
6. what do tongan people look like
7. how many chupa chups have they sold in the world

The Twelfth Character...

Some say that she is black with a white belly, others say that she is white with black not-belly, either way her all-white parents would have sat down to have some serious talks after she was born.

Leesy is...

It's too small to read, but the bow-tie says, "Motorboat me here"

Wheezy the Penguin is a small rubber squeeze toy. Some say that she lost her squeaker, some say that she is allergic to dust, and others say that with all the yelling she does during games she can never talk by presentation night.

Following a squeaker transplant from Mr Shark, Sleazy-Wheezy-Leesy develops a lovely singing voice that sounds a lot like the incomparable Robert Goulet.

Jingle bells, Batman smells. Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost its wheel. And the Joker got away. Hey!

Things the internet has taught us:
Penguins can't fly - neither can Leesy.
Penguins are warm blooded - so is Leesy.
Penguins are mostly found in the Southern Hemisphere - just like Leesy.
Penguins have short legs - this is becoming uncanny.
Penguins swallow their food whole - GTFO - Leesy is a penguin!

The Eleventh Character...

He's a long way from being extinct, and if you really look hard, you can see that his arms are way too little for his body.

Ryzah is...

Check out the grey chest hairs.

Rex is an excitable large, green, plastic Tyrannosaurus Rex who suffers from anxiety, an inferiority complex, and the concern that he is not scary enough. Ryzah is an expert at computer games, especially Buzz Lightyear: Attack On Zurg and Words With Friends.

T-Rex did not live in the Jurassic period, he did however live in the park of the same name. Rex actually lived during the Cretaceous period, roughly 65-85 million years ago, also the last time that Indiana had a decent basketball team.

No one really knows how long Ryzah will live for, as we have already learned, he was born at least 65 million years ago, and recently discovered footage sent back from Wall-E in 2805 shows that he is still around and still practising his dodgy ten-pin bowling skills.

"Leave me alone, it's hard to bowl with puny girl arms" - Anonymous

Things the internet has taught us: Translated from the original Latin, Tyrannosaurus Rex means Tyrant Lizard King, but that was for the boy dinosaurs, the girl dinosaurs were called Tyrannosaurus Banks which translates to America's Next Top Model Host

Tyrannosaurus Banks - might have been able to fly!

The Tenth Character...

She is so much better than a Magna-Doodle, and just like all police she thinks she is the fastest draw on the force.

Courtney Copah is...

Mark, that had better be my gun in your pocket.

Who didn't love an Etch-A-Sketch when they were growing up? There is a widely held theory that men only like playing with boobs because they are sub-consciously reminded of playing with their Etch-A-Sketch. Ladies should however be cautious to avoid any man who shakes them from side-to-side once they are finished playing.

Now Copah, I know what you are thinking, "wouldn't it be awesome if my character name was Magna-Doodle". Well yes, that would be an awesome character name, but that's not going to happen.

Things the internet has taught us: The Victorian Police website has a really cool section for kids, which is where I found this picture of Courts playing the role of Bad Cop during an interrogation.

You're off the case McGarnagle!
No. You're off your case Chief!
What does that even mean?
IT MEANS SHE GETS RESULTS YOU STUPID CHIEF!

The Ninth Character...

She dances a surprisingly good Paso Doble, and she has had so much practice at falling over, she can justifiably call it "falling with style".

KT is...

"KT plays the role of Al as Mossy retells the story of their engagement"

Buzz Lightyear of Star Command got his name as a tribute to real-life astronaut Buzz Aldrin. KT Fleisner got her name after her Dad lost a bet about how short Danny DeVito was while drunkenly watching Romancing The Stone. Originally she was going to be named Kathleen Turner, but in an act of kindness, he just went with the initials. Had she been born a boy, she was going to be named Danny Devito, or Double D for short, which coincidentally is Leesy's nickname.

Buzz Lightyear seems like a straight-laced sharp-shooter, but he is a hiding a terrible secret. Whenever KT has 4 vodkas, she transforms into the terrifying, Mrs Nesbit.

Dave figures out what's in KT's water bottle

Things the internet has taught us: Hamm is a pig, and Buzz is a spaceman, but do you know who the most famous Pig Spaceman of all time is? Ham Solo

Not Pictured: Chewbacon

The Eighth Character...

He only came onto the scene in Toy Story 3, but he impressed with his attention to detail and ability to work long hours.

Simon is...

CVD only had 2 spectating rules; Always be ready to clap and never ever blink.

The Cymbal Banging Monkey (Hello Cymbal if you are reading this) monitors the Sunnyside Daycare security cameras at night, and when Simon tells you that he likes to watch, he's probably not just talking about netball. Back away slowly...

Dave and Simon discuss Claire's playing time...

Things the internet has taught us: Simon like all accountants, spends most of his time at work typing 5318008 into his calculator and sniggering. He has allegedly bought a smaller calculator to make CVD's 5318008 seem bigger in comparison.

The Seventh Character...

He's a bit of a know-it-all, and definitely goes a shade of pink whenever he is exposed to direct sunlight, runs a little bit, or someone turns on a light globe brighter than 75 watts.

Bav is...

"Worst outtie belly-button ever"

Hamm is a wise-cracking realist piggy-bank with a cork in his belly instead of a stopper. Mild mannered porcine by day, at night he assumes his secret identity, that of super-villain the evil Dr Pork-Chop. Also, Leesy love piggies...

Things the internet has taught us: Pork Scratchings are one of the most unhealthy snack foods in the history of the world. They are made by covering pig skin in salt and then deep-frying them. Uncoincidentally, they are extremely tasty, and if you are looking for a nutritional loop-hole, they are extremely low-carb.

The Sixth Character...

She doesn't say very much, she has really expressive eyes and her first words were ooooh...the claw.

Dela is...

"Take me to Pizza Planet Mum, Dad says it's ok if you say it's ok"

What! You are giving kids character names now, how long is this whole character thing going to take? I'm conservatively estimating that the whole thing will take four weeks, probably a little less unless there are secret kids out there that I don't yet know about. I'm looking at you Copley's, it's a well known fact that 93% of Werribee girls have two kids to help them blow out the candles at their 21st birthday party. I'm just saying is all...

The Aliens are green and have bugged-out eyes, much like Dela when her mashed vegetables do not agree with her. In the Toy Story movies, the Aliens were adopted by Mr and Mrs Potato Head, but now thanks to this blog, we now know that the biological parents are Stinky Pete and Character To Be Named Later.

Things the internet has taught us: Dela was a pretty big baby, but according to the Guinness Book of Records, the largest baby ever born was 30 inches long and weighed 23 pounds and 12 ounces, and for those of you who only speak the metric system that is 76.2 centimetres and 10.8 kilograms, and for those of you who only speak Macca's, 23 pounds and 12 ounces is 95 quarter pounders.

That's a big baby, but that won't be the last Big Baby we see as we move through this list...

The Fifth Character...

She's used to organising an entire army of mixed netballers, even though sometimes they do act more like a barrel of monkeys.

Esther is...

"No vegetarians. Booyah!"

Sarge is the gung-ho commander of an army of plastic toy-soldiers. She runs a highly disciplined outfit and is a master of reconnaissance. Sarge's outfit has a strict Leave No Man Behind policy, but there are two vans and a heap of luggage, so accidents can happen.

Woody relies heavily on Sarge, and here we see a picture of the two of them discussing tactics...

Esther was a nervous flyer and wore her parachute at all times.

Things the internet has taught us: All army dudes and also netballers need to be vigilant against a terrible affliction known as Trench Foot. This is an infection of the feet caused by cold, wet and unsanitary conditions, which sounds an awful lot like a tournament at Knox to me. Trench Coats however are both fashionable and highly recommended.

The Fourth Character...

She runs around with hair of red,

a cowboy hat upon her head.

She prefers to throw with her left,

of a human soul she is bereft.

Mossy is...

"I once caught a fish, this big..."

Jessie, the Yodeling Cowgirl is excitable, brave and very athletic, however like all redheads she is rumoured to have a volcanic temper, and obviously needs to wear a giant hat even when the weather is overcast.

Things the internet has taught us: Roles for animated gingers are few and far between, and the actresses will go to great lengths to look right for the part. In fact the transformation for Jessie was voted the 2nd most extreme of all time behind...

Charlize - Before

Charlize - After

Yeah that one was tough to beat...

Jessica - Before

Jessica - After

Actresses just love to play disturbed jail-birds, it's like Peanut M&M's to them...