It's All Hennifa Yopez's Fault

So it was only a few years ago that everyone figured out how to come up with your own porn-star name, First Pet and First Street was the formula for that one. My porn-star name is Rex Neal, and I think with more chest hair and a few gold necklaces I could definitely pass as a Rex Neal

But then along came Jennifer Lopez and her ubiquitous J-Lo nickname, but because it was ridiculously easy to figure out your own nickname, and also because no-one really likes Jennifer Lopez, the trend died out very quickly. However, thanks to my new book, Unlocking The Secret Meaning Of Your J-Lo Nickname, I'm bringing it back, and you guys get a free preview...

Dave Smith - D-Sm; this is what we in the nickname industry call a Wheel Of Fortune name, buy a freaking vowel! If however Dave married ex Charles In Charge actress Nicole Eggert, he would be D-SmEg, so he's got that going for him.

Tony Collinder - T-Co; this is what hip grandma's call the piece of crochet they use to keep their tea pot warm. Example, "Hey G-son, it is fo shiz cold up in this hizzy, go get G-Ma her T-Co"

Karen Moss - K-Mo; when a redhead wears a hat to disguise their disability this is called K-Moflage.

Alex McPhie - A-Mc; the thing you tie between two trees and take a nap in, definitely bring one to Phillip Island...


Amy Wirth - A-Wi; when she was single, Aims was looking for a man with a small bladder because she needed someone who had to get up and take A-Wi three or four times every night.

Bav Bavaro - B-Ba; Is what sheep that stutter say.

Claire van Dreumel - C-VaDr; after Luke Skywalker left Dagobah (note: Dagobah is what my racist Grandma calls all pubs in Carlton) and flew to Cloud City to rescue Han, Leia and Chewie, he got a text message from Yoda that said, "If U C-VaDr, RUN!"

Esther Coppin - E-Co; Geoffa is also known as Toyota Prius because he is E-Co friendly.

Katie Fleisner - K-Fl; When you are at Phillip Island there might be Poison Ivy so please be K-Fl

Kylie Malone - K-Ma; What you finally say when your Mum has been nagging you to do something for a really long time.

Lauren Atkin - L-At; T-Co's hip-hop G-Ma came up with this one. "You down with LAT. Yeah you know me. Who's down with LAT. Every last homie." And for anyone who watches Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock, I have to say, this Honky Grandma Be Trippin'

Leesy Caldwell - L-Ca; Without Leesy, Copah would just be a Holic...think about it...

Mark Copley - M-Co; Brother of T-Co, also the subject of many of Mr Garrision's lectures, "Drugs are bad M-Co"

Ryan Miller - R-Mi; If they had meet Ryzah, the Village People would have sung Join The R-Mi, and Ryzah would be even more of a gay icon if that were even possible.