The Checklist...

Take a leaf out of Santa's playbook and check this list, and then check it twice. Try to work out what's crap and what's good advice.

Just like Santa's list, this one is in alphabetical order as well, no extra charge for that either...

Babysitter - so you don't wake up in the middle of the night wondering where Dela is

  

Cash - just some walking around money

Characters - just a quick reminder of who is whom, there might be a test during the week;

Dave = Woody

Mossy = Jessie

Allah = Big Al (aka Chicken Man)

Amos = Mrs Potato Head

Bav = Ham

Bear = Lotso Huggin' Bear

Copah = Big Baby

KT = Buzz Lightyear

Kylie = Bo Peep

Loz = Trizie

Ryzah = Rex

Tonah = Stinky Pete

Es = Sarge

Leesy = Wheezy

Dela = Pizza Planet Alien

Ben = Ken Doll

Courtney Copah = Etch-A-Sketch

Simon = Cymbal Banging Monkey

The Sherwinator = Rocky Gibraltar

Cramp Reduction Kit - magnesium tablets, tonic water, regular water

Day to day clothes -

• jeans
• tracksuits
• tops
• t-shirts
• sunglasses
• smoking jacket
• bubble pipe
• pyjamas
• definitely remember pyjamas

Extra-Special New Singlet - the one that most of us got at Shagy's on Wednesday


Game-related injury prevention devices - braces, tape, blister pads, etcetera...


Game-related stink prevention equipment - deodorant


General Hygiene (this is an important one) - 

•  toothpaste and toothbrush
• shampoo and conditioner (not for the baldies)
• head razor (for baldies who are faking it)
• normal razor
• make-up
• deodorant
• perfume
• man perfume
• moisturiser
• hairspray/fudge/gel - whatever you prefer
• hair straightener
• bobby pins
• hair elastics
• scrunchies (are they a thing anymore?)

Important non Big-V playing gear - 

• netball shoes
• one plethora of socks
• lucky underwear
• regular underwear
• skins
• sports bras
• crop tops
• hair ribbons for special occasion games
• thongs for in between games

Mobile Phone - Leesy tells me good things about her Nokia, but probably no need to buy a new phone just for this.


Phone Charger - I saw Allah fix one last year using only a fork, it was super impressive

Presentation Night Glamour - for those not shopping until dropping on the rest day you should remember;

• suits
• shirts
• ties
• dresses
• shoes
• spanx
• belts
• cuff links
• black socks
• cummerbund
• etcetera 

Recovery Session Gear; bathers and a towel

Roomies - most of us will have a roomie, here we see a picture of CVD and KT celebrating when they found out that they wouldn't be sharing with Copah...

Bearzy pushes all KT's buttons...

Theme, The - It's Toy Story people, get with the program...

You're living in the past!

Uniform - all that lovely Big-V branded gear;

• playing shirts
• shorts
• dresses
• walk-out top
• warm-up top
• hoodies
• jackets
• towel
• trackie-dacks
• bag to keep it all in

VPL - this now stands for Very Provocative Lingerie and will be mandatory for entrance to the Presentation Night limo

The Phillip Island Recap...

Phillip Island was originally named after its discoverer, Phyllis Ipland, but that was just too confusing, so they renamed it Phillip Island a few years ago. It is also where Mother Moss has her holiday house and very conveniently was the location for our team-bonding singalong and fitness session.

Most of the team got down to the island on the Friday night and had a very relaxing evening. Mossy practiced her Tai Chi while attempting to get a phone signal in her lounge room. Copah decided to give up beer and spent the evening having a sauna. Alla was robbed in his footy best and fairest count and Dave got in at some ungodly hour. Claire was completely flummoxed by the concept of a handbrake that you work with your foot in Bav's car (yes technically it's Leesy's car) while KT and Ben spent the evening prowling rental websites. Meanwhile Kyzah, Ryzah and Esther were enjoying some wedding hospitality about 3 and a half hours away.

However the person who made the biggest sacrifice to be there was Aims who had to tell her boyfriend that she couldn't make it to his Grand Final. Of course she did tell him while taking her top off, so he just smiled and nodded and was probably completely surprised when she wasn't there.

Right, stop thinking about that, back to the story. We all got the the bottom of Cape Woolamai by 7.59am, and took a walk down to the beach. After stepping across a line in the sand that was both literal and metaphorical, the day was underway.

Activity 1 was a timed run over an alleged 5 kilometre course. Allah started the event at the prohibitive Black Caviar like odds of a $1.01 for the win, and won it like an odds-on favourite should.

Phillip Island - Race 1 Results

Track Good - Weather Fine

1. (5) Allah Mac W: $1.01 P: $1.00

2. (4) Ryzoplasty P: $1.20

3. (3) Bav In Black P: $6.50

4. (7) Aim Of The Game NTD

Quinella: (4,5): $1.22 Exacta: 5-4: $1.25

Trifecta: 5-4-3: $54.50

First 4: 5-4-3-7: $211.70

Stewards Report: Copahcabana threw two shoes entering the final straight. Jockey on Lotz And Loz found to be way overweight, horse to be spelled immediately.

Following a brief recovery session and a very fruitful team chat, it was back down to the beach for Activity 2, the beach session. We were split into groups of 2, there was Team Hat made up of Allah and Bav, and a whole bunch of other groups who were presumably all called Team No Hat.

I'm a bit hazy on most of the details, but there were hill sprints, push-ups, box jumps, planks, sit-ups, burpees, mountain-climbers and possibly one other, which might just have been more hill sprints. And there were three circuits with 45 seconds on and then 45 seconds off.

From what I am told, most people did really well, however I have checked my phone and I've received a couple of texts which are quite enlightening;

Q. What's Bav's favourite band?

A. Regurgitator

Just looked up "cramp" in the dictionary, look at what I found...

At the end of the second activity Tonah, Copah and Bav's stomach lining were all scratched from the final event, The Amazing Race.

After finishing the word jumble and decoding the hidden message, Team Ginger Ninja plus Kylie were off and running/walking down the beach. Right behind them were Team Melanin.

Team Ginger were the first to reach Esther on the beach and had to build a sand castle with walls up to the logo on her pants. Unfortunately, Esther isn't cool enough to wear her pants slung down low, but fortunately she isn't so old that she wears them up to her armpits, but either way it was a tough build. Ginger Ninja Ryan used his landscape building knowledge to spearhead the effort, and the Gingas retained their lead.

Esther revealed the next challenge, counting the number of squares in a 10 x 10 chess board type thingy. The GMNT (Ginger Mutant Ninja Turtles) quickly came up with the answer of 385, leaving the cast of Jersey Short trailing in their wake.

Some more stuff happened, Alla and Aims went for another run to count stairs and it turned out that it was a draw in the end.

Then came everyones favorite part of the day, eating pies and then driving home.

What a great weekend.

It's All Hennifa Yopez's Fault

So it was only a few years ago that everyone figured out how to come up with your own porn-star name, First Pet and First Street was the formula for that one. My porn-star name is Rex Neal, and I think with more chest hair and a few gold necklaces I could definitely pass as a Rex Neal

But then along came Jennifer Lopez and her ubiquitous J-Lo nickname, but because it was ridiculously easy to figure out your own nickname, and also because no-one really likes Jennifer Lopez, the trend died out very quickly. However, thanks to my new book, Unlocking The Secret Meaning Of Your J-Lo Nickname, I'm bringing it back, and you guys get a free preview...

Dave Smith - D-Sm; this is what we in the nickname industry call a Wheel Of Fortune name, buy a freaking vowel! If however Dave married ex Charles In Charge actress Nicole Eggert, he would be D-SmEg, so he's got that going for him.

Tony Collinder - T-Co; this is what hip grandma's call the piece of crochet they use to keep their tea pot warm. Example, "Hey G-son, it is fo shiz cold up in this hizzy, go get G-Ma her T-Co"

Karen Moss - K-Mo; when a redhead wears a hat to disguise their disability this is called K-Moflage.

Alex McPhie - A-Mc; the thing you tie between two trees and take a nap in, definitely bring one to Phillip Island...


Amy Wirth - A-Wi; when she was single, Aims was looking for a man with a small bladder because she needed someone who had to get up and take A-Wi three or four times every night.

Bav Bavaro - B-Ba; Is what sheep that stutter say.

Claire van Dreumel - C-VaDr; after Luke Skywalker left Dagobah (note: Dagobah is what my racist Grandma calls all pubs in Carlton) and flew to Cloud City to rescue Han, Leia and Chewie, he got a text message from Yoda that said, "If U C-VaDr, RUN!"

Esther Coppin - E-Co; Geoffa is also known as Toyota Prius because he is E-Co friendly.

Katie Fleisner - K-Fl; When you are at Phillip Island there might be Poison Ivy so please be K-Fl

Kylie Malone - K-Ma; What you finally say when your Mum has been nagging you to do something for a really long time.

Lauren Atkin - L-At; T-Co's hip-hop G-Ma came up with this one. "You down with LAT. Yeah you know me. Who's down with LAT. Every last homie." And for anyone who watches Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock, I have to say, this Honky Grandma Be Trippin'

Leesy Caldwell - L-Ca; Without Leesy, Copah would just be a Holic...think about it...

Mark Copley - M-Co; Brother of T-Co, also the subject of many of Mr Garrision's lectures, "Drugs are bad M-Co"

Ryan Miller - R-Mi; If they had meet Ryzah, the Village People would have sung Join The R-Mi, and Ryzah would be even more of a gay icon if that were even possible.

The Correspondence Edition

Hello Sports Fans, and welcome to the first blog entry in two years that I'm not writing while getting paid to do another job.

After having a good lie-in, I've just finished watching the movie Up (from the makers of Toy Story FYI), it is the story of an old man that uses helium balloons to make his house fly. Coincidentally, that is a tactic that Dave is looking to incorporate during his comeback from ankle surgery, here's a pic that my spy in Queensland took during one of his recent recovery sessions

Whhheeeeeeeee!

Now with that out of the way, let's go to the mailbag...

Kate from Queensland writes:

Hi Blogger Bav, long-time reader, first-time contributor. Did you know that in Toy Story, the toolbox used to trap Woody in Sid’s room bears the name “Binford Tools”.
Binford Tools is the fictional hardware company which sponsored “Tool Time”, the handyman show-within-a-show from the series Home Improvement. Another Disney production, Home Improvement also starred Tim Allen, who provided the voice of Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story! 

Must dash, Dave needs another sponge-bath.

Thanks Kate, while you are slipping into your nurses uniform, let's go to the internet to see whether you are a no good filthy liar.

Kate Sherwin - not a no good filthy liar.

KT from Wifetown writes:

Hi Anonymous Blog Person, as you probably know when I recently got married, the only thing on our gift registry was Lego, and as a result we got lots and lots of Lego. Look what I knocked up last weekend.

Nice work on the chin dimple KT, the one on Buzz looks good too

 Keep those letters coming through, and I'll try and respond to them all, because I'm Dear Danni and I'm here to help. Bye.

That's a Simon Townsend's Wonder World reference, for those of you too young to remember it, it was the birthplace of Catriona Rowntree!

The Nineteenth Character...

She doesn't have junk in her trunk, but she does store some important things back there. She's one of the world's leading sources of vodka, and like a lot of carbohydrates she is very complex.

Aims is...

That horrible moment when you realise you are wearing your killer red heels, your hat and nothing else. Also you only have one ear for some reason.

Mrs Potato Head is sweet and patient, and she sounds just like George Costanza's mum. Anyone who has seen Amy sneak out of training to babysit Dela will not be surprised to discover that she loves the Pizza Planet Aliens.

Amy does not take it as a compliment to her abilities when you call her Mrs Head, so use her full name or else you will get seriously hurt. Yes, even though she has a very placid demeanour, if you get her angry then you will know about it.

So she was lying on the ground, and I whacked on my angry eyes, and kicked her while she was down there.

Things the internet has taught us:
The potato was the first vegetable to be grown in outer space.
The average American eats 64 kilos of potato every year.
The world's largest potato chip was made in 1990 and was 2 foot wide.

In Opposite-World, Amy's butt stares at you!

The Eighteenth Character...

She always been a friend to New Zealanders, and I've never seen her with any sheep, so she has definitely lost them and can't tell where to find them.

Kylie is...

Damn! Bo Peep got back.

Bo Peep (better known as Ho Peep) is a porcelain shepherdess figurine. Bo and her sheep often play the role of damsel in distress in Andy's plays. It has only recently been discovered that Kylie narrowly avoided being known as Mrs Hotato Head, which 82 out of 100 people surveyed put as their top answer. But luckily this blog does not follow Family Feud rules.

And if you tell me to be patient one more time, I will insert this crook somewhere very unpleasant.

Hey, what did Kylie's seven very short work mates say to her when they caught the same train as her one Monday morning? Hi Ho. It's off to work we go!

Things the internet has taught us: Everyone loves Spam, whether it be a Spam and cheese croissant for breakfast, a hot Spam sandwich for lunch or the always popular Spamghetti Bolognaise for dinner (why not all three!). However it is very sad to hear that some cultures do not allow people do eat pork products, even when mixed with spices and canned for delicious eternity.
However things are now looking up with the introduction of Splamb!

I'm going to tell people I lost you, while I enjoy a Splamb souvlaki with garlic sauce.

The Seventeenth Character...

She's a cyborg sent back from the future to kill Sarah Connor. She can't be bargained with! She can't be reasoned with! She doesn't feel pity, or remorse or fear. And she will not stop, ever!

Kate Sherwin is The Sherwinator, and also because there is only one Terminator looking dude in all the Toy Story movies she is also...

His name is Rocky Gibraltar, but that's not important right now.

Things we've learned from the internet: In 1991 a band called Arnee and the Terminators released the classic I'll Be Back, read these lyrics in your best Ahhnuld accent...

It's not that I'm ill-mannered or a psychopathic hater,
I just like to be treated right like any Terminator.
If I though I'd get results then I'd act a whole lot sweeter
But people always respect an Uzi Nine-Millimeter.

I've never had a problem
In getting what I lack
You don't need please or thank you
You just need! I'll be back.